Female Demerit System

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the system is set up. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter; you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)…

Earth Day Sex

Lyrics:
Damn, who’s that girl I see across the room?
You’re the prettiest thang in this whole Whole Foods
Slip fair trade coffee in yo’ cup, getcha in the mood
So come with me in my drop-top Prius, baby
My love is like global warming, you can’t deny it
It’s an inconvenient truth, but I cannot hide it
So turn off the lights cuz it’s eco friendly
You know you like the size of my carbon footprint

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got me crazy, mixing up my papers and my plastics
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Don’t need no condoms
’cause rubber ain’t biodegradable

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Girl by now, my intention you oughta know,
Wanna get into the hole in your ozone,
Our love’s not about sustainability
Only need 1 night to melt your ice-caps, baby
You tree-huggin’ all day, so could
you spend all night protecting my Redwood?
Now I gotta know if I can
come and develop your wetlands?

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Just don’t panic, I’m 100 percent free-range organic
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got junk in yo’ trunk
and I’d like to compact it, yeah

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Let’s recycle tonight baby……