The Trustworthiness of Beards

How trustworthy are you? Use this handy little chart to see if you’re in the clear. If you classify as dangerous, threatening, or god-forbid “disastrous”, do us all a favor and break out that rusty razor and go to town. We can’t have you creepin’ around giving us the willies. Let’s get some of those disagreeable facial man pubes out of our direct line of sight and set us all at ease. M’kay?

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Female Demerit System

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the system is set up. Here is a guide to the point system:

You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter; you have one too.” (-8000)

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)…

Earth Day Sex

Damn, who’s that girl I see across the room?
You’re the prettiest thang in this whole Whole Foods
Slip fair trade coffee in yo’ cup, getcha in the mood
So come with me in my drop-top Prius, baby
My love is like global warming, you can’t deny it
It’s an inconvenient truth, but I cannot hide it
So turn off the lights cuz it’s eco friendly
You know you like the size of my carbon footprint

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got me crazy, mixing up my papers and my plastics
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Don’t need no condoms
’cause rubber ain’t biodegradable

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Girl by now, my intention you oughta know,
Wanna get into the hole in your ozone,
Our love’s not about sustainability
Only need 1 night to melt your ice-caps, baby
You tree-huggin’ all day, so could
you spend all night protecting my Redwood?
Now I gotta know if I can
come and develop your wetlands?

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Just don’t panic, I’m 100 percent free-range organic
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got junk in yo’ trunk
and I’d like to compact it, yeah

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Let’s recycle tonight baby……

Guidos Love Spray Tan

This is pretty funny…especially once you get into it a little and see some of these dudes reappearing. :)

Spray tan = loser in a can. And for the love of God, somebody please let me know exactly when the ‘Astro-boy’ look became popular? ‘Spiky hair’ is
supposed to be a generalization, isn’t it?
P.S. – I got 50 bucks that says at least one of these guys is named Carlos.
P.S.S. – Thank god pink shirt dude in the back decided to raise his arms, so we can all get a glimpse of just how gay that shirt really is.

I wonder if they have competitions to see who can get their hair the spikiest? I guess this shot was taken on spiky hair and striped shirt day. Somebody needs to tell spiky at bottom right to ‘pop his collar’. He ain’t fitting in. Notice the lack of available/interested girls. ‘Nuff said.

When I first looked at this shot, my only thought was ‘what’s with the lips?’ – I figured maybe they were all hamming it up for the camera? My second thought was ‘hey cool, guy on the left is like a Guido mini me!’. My third thought was ‘does that hairstyle really impress anyone? No, seriously, I mean ANYONE?’


Not all Guidos are skinny. Some are steroid-enhanced rage-a-holics who will tear your brain out of your nose for looking at their girlfriends. They too are fans of spray tan, and believe that the words ’say cheese’ really mean ‘glare at me fiercely, and try to give me cancer with your eyes’.
Where the heck does a guy find a mega-scoop neck anyways? Probably the same place you get spray tan.


Spiky hair, big man, little shirt, superman belt buckle. My work here is done. Steroids are awesome.


This is a rare shot of a young Guido prior to his first steroid injection. Notice the soft quaff of hair just waiting to be sharpened into lethal spikes, the pert and pouty lips, the bronzing of the skin, the twin cubic zirconia’s in each ear, the neck pendant, the pack of Marlboro’s… This is a blue chip Guido prospect people. He’ll one day command a vast army of Guido warriors into battle. Ironically, this is also what most prison bitches look like.


Nothing makes a Guido look cooler than a bottle of Grey Goose yo. Except for maybe some spiky hair, a spray tan, a big watch, a pendant, a pouty stare, and a wrist strap that says ‘this is an all-ages party, but I’m one of only 12 people here that can drink legally’.


Sylvester Stallone’s ugly cousin bumped into our favorite blonde He-man Guido, and brought his Guido-Emo (Gimo?) buddy along for a picture. Now He-man doesn’t have to be the only guy in the photo with a decidedly homo-sexual shirt on.
Somebody needs to find and rescue this poor girl.


If only this car would back up. Quickly. Funny thing is, this l’il Guido probably had sex with some poor dumb teenager as a direct result of taking this photo. Surprising in that his collar wasn’t even popped!


Ahhh.. There we go. Collars – popped. Hair – mad spiked. Eyebrows – plucked to perfection. Lips – Pouty and pink. Head- cocked to near perfect 65 degree
angle… Guys like this used to get beat up routinely when I was in high school. Something very wrong must be occurring within today’s youth.


Honestly, I couldn’t STAGE a better young-Guido pic! Hair is super spiked!! Pout is in full on GO mode, and the bronzer has been judiciously applied. Notice the gold chains in full view, and the fact that pretty boy doesn’t need to bother with such trifling social constructs as ’shirts’. Closer inspection will reveal sunglasses tucked in the right pocket (most likely Channel or Armani), as well as a ‘wad’ of greasy bills in his left hand. Assuredly, neither prop is there by happenstance. As in: ‘Eh Franco, waitaminute.. take another picture Franco, but dis time lemme get a wad of freakin’ bills in my hand, and I wanna make sure my shades and medallions are visible. Should I unzip furda? Furda? Maybe even a l’il furda?’
What’s in the bags you ask? Why jumpsuits of course!


Ok, once you get over laughing at the human jack-o-lantern on the left, take a look at buddy boy on the right. He’s thinking- ‘Damn, I’m so pale. I wonder if I can get down with some o’ dat spray tan – and get the girls to chase after ME for a change?’


L’il dude even got a l’il Bling on too. Go git ‘em son.


Am I the only person whose eyes went straight to Mr. Pink Jacket? I think I must be going crazy. Why isn’t anyone else pointing at his head and laughing? And how is it that he has a girl that is willing to be seen, nay. photographed with his nasty orange ass? Speaking of that…. It must look awfully odd where the orange stops and the white begins, no? The two couples on the right must be REAL happy that their lifelong graduation photos will include photos of the Guido brothers, and their razor sharp hairstyles.


At what point does one finally admit to themselves- ‘I may be addicted to spray tanning’. Notice how Carrot face on the left still elected to sport the ‘bling’ over the suit. Classy.


No need for words here. Guys that shave their armpits, flex for photos, and wear Puma headbands to clubs make life full of smiles.…

Always Check Your Child’s Homework

It’s all a matter of perception sometimes.

Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day from the child’s Mom:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Mrs. Smith

The Evolution of Teaching Math

1. Teaching Math In 1950’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990’s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s okay.)

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho el hachero?…